You're a Problem Solver

You're a natural problem solver—mostly because you're also a natural problem creator. Talk about efficient!

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You're the One

I’m absolutely certain—you’re the one. You know, the one everyone “forgets” to invite to the after-work drinks. But hey, at least they think of you… eventually, or not.

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Golden Opportunity

Tomorrow is full of promise. A brand-new day, a fresh start, and—most importantly—another golden opportunity to mess things up spectacularly. At least you’re consistent!

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Keep Pushing

Keep pushing! At least Sisyphus moved the boulder. 

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You Have the Right Mindset

You’ve got the right mindset, no doubt about it. Now if only you had a brain to go with it…

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You're Going to Make It

I’m absolutely certain you’re going to make it—unfortunately, “it” is a terrible decision. But hey, at least you’ll be consistent!

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Hard Work Will Pay Off

Rest assured, your hard work will definitely pay off—for the upper management and shareholders. As for you? Well, if you’re lucky, you might get to keep your job and your gloriously decorated cubicle. Dream big!

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Reach for the Stars

While you’re busy reaching for the stars, you might want to glance down once in a while. Oh, too late—you missed the cliff. Look out below!

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The Early Bird

They say the early bird gets the worm. Great news for the bird, terrible news for you—you’re the worm. Better luck next time!

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Take More Risks

Take more risks—seriously, we could use the entertainment. Your epic fails might just be the highlight of someone else’s day!

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You're Going Places

You’re definitely going places—unfortunately, they’re the wrong places. But hey, at least you’ll get a scenic view on your way back!

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You Are a Leader

You are a leader in what not to do.

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People Look Up to You

It’s true—people do look up to you. Mostly because they’re rolling on the floor laughing, but hey, that still counts… right?

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Social Media Superstar

 Post that picture. It’ll get three likes—one from your mom and two bots.

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Reflect on Your Goals

Take a moment to reflect on your goals, your aspirations, and the path ahead. Done? Great. Now go back to playing Guitar Hero—it’s way more fun and less depressing.

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A Great Week

This week has all the makings of a great one—just not for you. But hey, somewhere, someone’s having an amazing time. Isn’t that comforting?

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Think Outside the Box

 Think outside the box. Too late, you're already dead.

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You Are Unique

 You are unique, just like everybody else.

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Change the World

 You’re going to change the world... by making it slightly worse for everyone you meet.

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Here Comes the Sun

 Ah, finally, the sun! Wait... nope. Giant meteor. Should’ve stayed in bed.

Happy New Year

 Happy New Year. Correction. Happy Bird Flu Year.

New Year New Ways to Fail

New Year’s Resolutions: smother them in their sleep before they rise and start shambling around like the undead.